This is not A Clockwork Orange

Hola a todos. Mi amigo/My friend and I were watching a performance the other night from the EU and these heterosexuals with their Straight Privilege were sitting there in the front row — clearly exhibitionists — putting on their own soft porn show for the Orchestra’s cameras and the people seated around them in the expensive orchestra seating. Just like the self-absorbed breeder basura in San Francisco, they (this couple) were acting oblivious to anyone around them as if they were the only two people in the performance venue. As if this Orchestra were performing just for them. I won’t say in which concert venue this took place, but some of the audience of one of my favourite orchestras has some people who are not there for the music. They are using the performance as an excuse to have a sex date. These horny, obnoxious, inconsiderate people don’t have the intelligence to sit on the back row in the Concert Hall. No, they insist on sitting on the very first row in the Orchestra seating so that everyone within their view can watch them hold hands, watch her hold and pet his face, watch her lean back using her chair as if its a bed and smile broadly at him, him doing the same with her, hear and watch their conversation to each other during the performance (very rude behaviour), watch them wrap themselves around each other as best they can in a Concert Hall chair with more fawning and petting. (roll eyes) You might think this were a teenage couple I’m writing about, but no, they were probably in their 60s, an age where they should know better one would think. Although this is the Century of Insanity where what was known as “common sense” is no longer common. If I were sitting behind these obnoxious basura I’d be very tempted to say to them in a very loud voice: “GET A ROOM SOMEWHERE! THIS PERFORMANCE VENUE IS NOT YOUR LIVING ROOM OR BEDROOM. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? THIS IS NOT A PERFORMANCE OF THE SOUNDTRACK OF A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. IF YOU WANT TO PET, MAKE OUT AND TALK OVER THE MUSIC BEFORE YOU GET ON WITH THE SEX WHICH IS REALLY YOUR INTENT FOR BEING HERE, WHY DIDN’T YOU GO TO HIS OR HER PLACE AND PUT ON A CD OF THE SAME PIECES THAT THE ORCHESTRA IS PLAYING? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!”

And who would have ever thought that these pieces were sexually-inducing pieces? But apparently, this obnoxious couple didn’t care what the programme was because they were not there for that. They were merely using an orchestral performance as a delay tactic for getting on with sex.

Well, considering how enamored these two were with each other — my guess is that they had just met somewhere the way they were behaving — I suspect they would have given a matinée performance of their soft porn telenovela-style make-out sessions and rude talking during a performance of the Brahms’s EDR (Ein deutsches Requiem, Op. 45), if you can imagine that. For those who don’t know, sex and making out is not something one usually associates with the Brahms’s Ein deutsches Requiem. Loco. But with these obnoxious people, it wouldn’t have mattered what the Orchestra played. These two were there to get it on and not for the music. There’s a colourful word for people like that: Assholes.

Then later in another piece, we noticed they were still at it, but this time with another heterosexual couple seated down the front row from them. They too were wrapped around each other — what is with these people? — and apparently with the female in the second couple she was terrified of the wonderful musicians of the string section in front of her. Did she think one of the cellists was going to lose control of his/her bow and it was going to fly off the stage and hit her in the head? Maybe one of the cellists should give that a try upon reflection; maybe that would put an end to this nonsense. Is that why her guy had to hold her hand during the performance with her hand placed on his thigh because she was terrified of the cellists? (roll eyes) Oh, these needy, emotional-wreck and controlling females. Always needing or demanding attention, needing something to be held or touched but only on her terms and by her rules of course. I wouldn’t have the patience for them. I don’t know how guys put up with them! I really don’t. Well they don’t really. That’s why the guy often has to “stay late at the office tonight, dear, don’t wait up” or comes home late after having a stiffener at the bar or — in the UK — bottle digs in the middle of the night while “the wife” (as she is affectionally called) is in bed alone (supposedly) at 4AM, or he uses any excuse to be away from her. I’m just telling the truth here which some people won’t want to hear. Yes, the truth often hurts. And what about the people sitting behind these obnoxious trash in the Concert Hall who have to watch them in their full lip-lock and sounds of sucking and smacking and petting and fawning when the people sitting behind them are there for the music? Instead they must feel like they’re watching an x-rated movie and can’t change the channel. Can’t they get a room?

Now again, one might think that these were young inconsiderate self-absorbed couples I’m writing about. But no, the first couple was probably in their 60s and the second couple was a little younger, probably 50s. They were indeed using an outstanding orchestral performance as an excuse to get together for a sex date. Damn odd.

Whoever initiated the date must have thought: You know it won’t look good if I suggest we go immediately to bed even though we both obviously want that. But we straights have to play these “hard to get” type head games with each other. (That’s especially the case with females. One of her head games: If the guy goes down on her too soon, she’ll pull him back up in sort of a reprimand because she’s not ready to “give it up just yet,” even though she’s been desperate for it for hours. She’s not fooling anyone.) Their thoughts continue: And I don’t want to appear desperate to see his “pee pee” (that’s the language they would use!) even though I am. Straight couples engage in all of this game-playing and head-trips. So one of them must have decided: We can begin the petting phase at this orchestral performance. We can sit on the front row so everybody can watch us, another heterosexual couple — as if the world isn’t bombarded with images of heterosexuals every day — and we can put on our own little soft-porn show while this world-renowned Orchestra accompanies us. We can gaze into each other’s limpid eyes while the cello section serenades us. And we’ll be in a performance video getting attention, which they were, unfortunately. That’s how I had the misfortune of seeing them. We saw them rudely talking multiple times while the Orchestra was playing and touching and feeling and talking and more touching and feeling. Such inconsiderate trash. Really. I can’t stand people like that.

If I had been in the hall, I would have gotten up and gone to get an usher and explained the situation to the usher and had him or her deal with these people. Mr or Ms Usher would summons these inconsiderate trash to the back of the Concert Hall and proceed with the following speech: We’ve had complaints about your inappropriate behaviour in the front row. This is a performance and IF you can sit there as responsible adults and enjoy the music without talking during the music and disturbing the performance for our other patrons around you and without sexual innuendos, then you are free to stay. If not, get the hell out, NOW! Do we understand each other? Please leave. Por favor. Rude-assed people.

Then mi amigo/my friend and I watched another performance by the same Orchestra and once again, and within camera view sat another heterosexual couple — probably in their 40s — on the front row right below the podium. Yes, they required the front row too and they too were holding hands during the performance. I don’t know what it is with these people.

Of course if a gay male couple had been sitting on the front row and engaged in the same behaviour, I think we all know how that would have turned out. But just as with the Conservatory students, gay couples have the intelligence and maturity to know that you don’t do that stuff in a Concert Hall. We are there for the music and to enjoy the artistry of the superb musicians on stage, unlike some heterosexual basura who are merely using a musical event to “kill some time” with talking over the music, soft-fawning and foreplay in the public front row seats before having sex later on. That’s the bottom line. I don’t know why people like that don’t just record an exhibitionist sex video — well maybe they do that too! — and upload it up to a porn site. There, they would get much more attention from views, or would that not get them off as much? Maybe it’s all about the people in the audience watching them fawn over each and talk during the performance that they fantasise about as they orgasm at his or her place? It makes me think of a couple of articles I wrote awhile back. Here’s one of them: Will straight soft-porn save classical music? Chau.—el barrio rosa