Hola. Walking around Upper Market in San Francisco these days one can’t miss the number of “straight” couples holding hands. You can’t miss them even if you wanted to, as I would like to do. Their hand-holding looks perfunctory and as if someone is insecure and/or holding hands because of habit, rather than a sign of affection. During the (now-very-much-fading) Gay Mecca days, Upper Market was mostly gay. But today, due to techie gentrification, Upper Market is mostly “straight,” young and white with mainly tall white guys clutching the hand of the short needy white female he’s walking with. These couples are rarely the same height. With “straights” there seems to be a requirement that he be tall and she be short. Is that so she can look up at him fawningly with her limpid eyes as if looking up to daddy? I see a lot of this and it turns me off so I look the other way because it looks so “staged,” and as I said Upper Market used to be mainly Queer boys/Queer couples. But today Upper Market is a “Straight” Baby FactoryTM with babies/children and large condominium-sized strollers clogging up the sidewalks all over the place. These inconsiderate parents seem to think that no one else lives here but them. If I had a baby I would “wear” my baby on my body. If I were for some reason forced to use a baby stroller it would be a very small stroller and I would make sure not to inconvenience others with it. But with these self-absorbed and self-entitled young assholes it’s all about them. With each needy young female, her baby is “different/special” than all other babies. These new residents clearly don’t believe in birth control of any kind. I’m not sure where they moved here from to hold to that backward thinking.
So I ran this by two of my nice, considerate “straight” amigos (both of whom are very put-off by “straights” going to gay bars and taking over gay areas and expecting the gay area to change to the way they want it). Both amigos laughed when they agreed that from their experience with females this required hand-holding is necessary for (as they put it): “Entrance Rights into that Pussy.” Because as they both said, “If you don’t hold her hand you’ll damn-sure hear about it because she will make an issue out of it that you’ll hear about for the rest of your life.” Uh huh. Well that made sense to me. They said that other requirements include (most of which I already knew), but are not limited to:
1. Lots of el dinero/$$$$$ spent on needy her.
2. You must swoon over needy her constantly. She requires an immense amount of time and attention. In her mind, she’s the center of the universe and expects him to see her as such.
3. Expect instant mood changes in her from ice cold to white hot. Then there’s always an avalanche of tears about something, usually over something trivial.
4. You must hold her needy hand whenever in public to show that she belongs to you. It doesn’t matter that no one cares that she belongs to you. It matters greatly to her. It doesn’t matter that no one is paying any attention to either one of you. She just likes to be the center of attention at all times.
5. Then in the bedroom or wherever you have sex, you have to put your mouth down there and eat a nasty meal. Another “straight” amigo of mine confirmed this. He said: “It sorta stinks down there and you never get used to that. I’ve often felt like asking her (but knew it was best not to for my own safety): Do you ever clean this thing out?” LOL.
My “straight” amigos said: The only thing we can add is that in order to gain entrance rights to that pussy you must hold her hand at all times in public. It’s a way of buying your way in there and I think most “straight” guys know that. It’s an unspoken rule.
Yes, I’ve heard that from other “straight” guys in the past. I guess that’s one thing that will never change.
They asked me: Did your parents always hold hands in public or the people in your neighbourhood? I said: No, never. I don’t remember ever seeing them do that. And I didn’t know anyone who did. One Queer amigo of mine says: My parents didn’t hold hands either and I didn’t know anyone who did. It’s almost as if this is something new. He asked: Did this start in the 1980s or something? I said: I don’t know. I never paid any attention to this until the “straight” invasion started moving in here. And they like everyone to know that they’re “straight” as if anyone gives a fuck. They’re very “in your face” with their sexuality, but: GLBTQs kissing is bad. One of the favourite places for “straights” to come and make out is under a big Rainbow Flag (such as at Harvey Milk Plaza at Castro/Market in San Francisco). For some reason, they particularly like to make out in front of Queer guys at bus stops. I don’t know what that’s about. Are they trying to send some message such as Queer boys should be “straight” like they are? Ugh. Chau.—el barrio rosa